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| Somehow, this blog has become a hot conversation topic among the parents, so I guess that means I'll have to discontinue it for now, and possibly any computer use in this househould, including e-mail. Phone conversations may also be monitored, you never know.... Well, TTFN, Xanga! | | |
| It seems like I never have anything different to say about my life. I am very discontented, and I need to get out of this rut I'm in...immediately. And it's not going to happen while I'm still here. I've tried for a very long time to make the best out of my current situation, but that has done me no good. I've never been very good at biding my time either, but that looks like what I'll have to do for the next couple of months. But the nightly arguments are draining and are getting old. Between work and arguments with my parents (and sometimes little sisters) I'm finding myself struggling to finish homework, let alone have a social life. I'm just realizing now for some reason that there have been times throughout my life up to this point where I could have stood my ground and fought for what was best for me, but I gave in. I know now that that's why I feel like such a weak person. I can't even stand up to someone who I know loves me and could possibly accept my decision. I guess they've never really given me much reason to believe that they would respect me for standing up to them. That would just be disrespect and defiance. Another thing is that I never see my family like I used to, except for those that I--unfortunately--live with, and can't stand to be around. I feel like--well, scratch that, I know that there are certain family members--on both sides--who are being withheld from me; or I guess I'm just not allowed to see them. That's defeating in its own way too. Though I'm afraid that certain people will find the things I've written in this blog, in a way I have to admit that it would be gratifying for them to ultimately know how I feel in a way. Having them read this or talking to them wouldn't change anything long-term, so I guess that's why I don't bother. It feels like no one in my life really cares, and those who do care are too far away or just aren't accessible in my life right now. I feel defeated and most days I just don't know how to go on. I guess another reason I feel weak is the very fact that I feel this way, and the fact that I just can't get over it and suck it up. While I tell myself that it's perfectly reasonable for me to be upset, I still feel like less of an adult for having what may be these immature feelings of helplessness. But that's exactly how I feel, helpless, like I'm having one of those bad dreams where you're just continually falling. I guess I'm just going through a rough, dark part of life..... Wow, I wish I had something happy to write about. Maybe in a couple of months I will. | | |
| Well....I guess you could say I've hit a new low in my life. Nothing significant has even happened except for getting turned down for almost everything concerning college, but nothing's really changed in my everyday life. This leads me to believe that I'm just thinking too much. So while I may know that, I still can't control myself and just not think about it. I'm snapping at people, I'm crying like once a day now, and if you asked me, I couldn't even tell you what's wrong. Maybe I don't know where to start. I don't know what I'm talking about, so I don't know how I can expect anyone else to. My life's just kind of bleak right now, I guess. I don't even know how to describe what I feel. I guess I'll go hole myself up in my bedroom and work on some Algebra or something.... | | |
| As much as I like winter, I am really looking forward to spring. For one, my birthday is in the spring, and I'll be 18. And even though I have bad allergies, I'm still tired of being cold all the time. Only a few more weeks of winter, I guess. Yesterday, I was presented with a great opportunity. I'll need to apply for it, but I've been invited to apply for some national singing group, and I've been invited to tour Europe with them in July if I'm accepted. The entire thing will cost about $4,500. This may be the first time in my life that I've ever taken advantage of a fundraising opportunity! So not much else is going on. I have FBLA districts coming up a week from Tueday, and solo and ensemble district contest is on March 15th. I'm just plugging along at school and enjoying a break from major papers and projects. Funny Quotes: (At work) Liz: "It smells kind of like potpourri in here." Me: "I did just use the restroom." | | |
| Not a whole lot going on right now. I'm just physically tired but I'm relieved that the homework is finally starting to lessen a little bit. I've been thinking a lot and I've kind of given myself some reassurance. Liz flew back in from Baltimore yesterday and was kind of stressing about having so much schoolwork to make up. I woke up this morning, pleasantly surprised to find snow on the ground (about half an inch). I had one of the best days while in Springfield that I'd had in a while, as far as almost everything goes, except I was pretty tired. I've realized that it's not that I don't get enough sleep as far as hours go; it's just that I don't sleep deeply enough. Like lately, I've been waking up every hour or so for a couple minutes as if I'm worried I'm not going to get up on time. I know, it's weird. But there's nothing truly eventful happening right now except that I'm glad that there's not too much going on, if that makes any sense. Just cruising in life. Funny Quotes of the Day: Bethany Corbin at work: "James, stop gloating!" Me: "I'm not gloating, I'm just letting you share in my joy." Person on the Phone: "Honey, I need you to hang up because I can't hear you." Me: "You've been gone for a long time." Liz: "I do." ??????? | | |
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